I have been reading about depression since Robin Williams died. The best article I read so far describes it as an energy, a tension that is stuck and appears to be immovable. The Buddhist teacher speaking about it says to merge with the depression, to become it, because it is so full of energy.
This seems like a big risk, doesn’t it? Instead of thinking of depression as something outside of us and afflicting us, we see it as an energy within us that has a lot of energy for us. When I think of this for myself, because I have dealt with depression on and off in the last six months, I feel a tremendous surge of energy that feels like anger well up inside me. Perhaps though it is not just anger, perhaps it is my power to heal, my power to create. Perhaps it is the divinity within me that has been bottled up and requires an outlet. A full expression of who I am.
I have been working with teachers and friends who are holding me accountable for being my most powerful self right now. In order to fulfill this destiny, I have to change, to be bigger and more fully realized. It feels so hard sometimes because I am not being supported to be my old small self anymore. Sometimes I feel abandoned because I am so addicted to that self that is needy and likes to be taken care of. That self is not really me. It is just an illusion of a kind of thinking that I let my mind do to get a kind of attention that feels comfortable.
The illusion of our thinking is so important in all this talk about Robin Williams. We don’t really know what his “mind chatter” was telling him. We don’t really know what his soul was calling for. We only know what we are told.
What if we accepted his death as what needed to happen for him?
When we can see through these eyes, we see that although sad, there is a kind of destiny here that we can not understand. And this mystery is what can open us to more expansive thinking.
To be supported to be bigger and to leave behind ways that no longer serve that goal, is the most powerful kind of support. It calls us into the realm of the mystery. This destiny for us into the unknown of so much beauty.