Wednesday, August 13, 2014

A Destiny We Cannot Understand

I have been reading about depression since Robin Williams died.  The best article I read so far describes it as an energy, a tension that is stuck and appears to be immovable.  The Buddhist teacher speaking about it says to merge with the depression, to become it, because it is so full of energy. 

This seems like a big risk, doesn’t it?  Instead of thinking of depression as something outside of us and afflicting us, we see it as an energy within us that has a lot of energy for us.  When I think of this for myself, because I have dealt with depression on and off in the last six months, I feel a tremendous surge of energy that feels like anger well up     inside me.  Perhaps though it is not just anger, perhaps it is my power to heal, my power to create.  Perhaps it is the divinity within me that has been bottled up and requires an outlet.  A full expression of who I am. 

I have been working with teachers and friends who are holding me accountable for being my most powerful self right now.  In order to fulfill this destiny, I have to change, to be bigger and more fully realized.  It feels so hard sometimes because I am not being      supported to be my old small self anymore.  Sometimes I feel abandoned because I am so addicted to that self that is needy and likes to be taken care of.  That self is not really me.  It is just an illusion of a kind of thinking that I let my mind do to get a kind of attention that feels comfortable. 

The illusion of our thinking is so important in all this talk about Robin Williams.  We don’t really know what his “mind chatter” was telling him.  We don’t really know what his soul was calling for.  We only know what we are told. 

What if we accepted his death as what needed to happen for him?

When we can see through these eyes, we see that although sad, there is a kind of destiny here that we can not understand.  And this mystery is what can open us to more expansive thinking. 

To be supported to be bigger and to leave behind ways that no longer serve that goal, is the most powerful kind of support.  It calls us into the realm of the mystery.  This destiny for us into the unknown of so much beauty. 


Rev. Judith Laxer said...

I agree with the question "what if this is what needed to happen for him?" Who are any of us to say what the soul of another needs, wants or should have happen? So many comments I've been reading on fb say things like "if only he knew how much he was loved" indicating that he would not have taken his life if he had. I am sure he was aware of his fans and his commercial success and that he was greatly loved. But its what goes on inside, not the external, that determines the truth of our experience. Thanks for posing this question, Julie.

Jamie Walters said...

Thank you for the heartful post and thoughtful perspective, Julie. As any of us who've experienced depression know, it has its own Mystery and purpose that is beyond just "thinking more happy thoughts". So lovely that you have the "believing mirrors" who are reflecting your "best self" to you, though tender loving care is also a wonderful gift to be given and received.

Blessings, and thanks again for the post.

Love, Jamie

Julie Charette Nunn, Crow's Daughter said...

Thank you both for reading and your thoughts. I find that sometimes tender loving care is what is needed and sometimes tough love is needed.
So good to have both of those to keep going. Peace and Gratitude, Julie

Unknown said...

Hi Julie, I saw your post on Tadd's Facebook page and it spoke to me. I absolutely relate to depression as an energy, more so than the common perception that it is a pathology. The description you relate from the article made me say an internal, "yes."One of my cousins died by suicide when we were all in our late 20's, and I often thought that maybe she was simply hearing different "music" than the rest of us, that something called her to walk into the river in a mystery that could partially empathize with but not completely understand. I also like Thomas Moore's writings on the topic.